Worst Valentine’s Day Gift Fails 2016
These god-awful gifts are so devoid of romance, I wouldn’t even give them to that ex that dumped me via text. From fast food to genital cosmetology–Ladies, these gifts will make you feel better about the thoughtless garbage you’ve received in the past and fellas–by all means point, laugh, but be afraid–very afraid.
The Shake Weight: Handy Training Tool
Fitness gifts are a big no, no matter how much you honestly want to encourage a healthy lifestyle. The Shake Weight brings sets the bar higher by being simultaneously wildly inappropriate.
Silver Lining: After she leaves you, use it to improve your own skills—no need to be lonely!
The Star Registry: Not so Stellar
A more popular and safer alternative to directly setting your money on fire, naming a star after that special someone has long been the last-minute romantic gesture of choice. The problem? It’s kind of like the adopt-a-highway program-you won’t care in a week and no one else will notice.
Silver Lining: If you hang it on the wall in a dirty frame and squint your eyes—Harvard Diploma, baby.
Fast Food Gift Cards: McLovin
This choice will get her heart racing – thanks to the sodium. Sure, this gift may have been a hit with your nephew’s soccer team, but if you think she’ll melt when you whisper “Go ahead baby… get two apple pies—you’ve earned it” you might want to order a large shake to ice down your soon-to-be injured jewels. You can be sure she’s going home with Mayor McCheese.
Silver Lining: Use the card to break into the house after she confiscates your key.
The Double Toilet: Number 2 for Two
Dinner for two… dessert for two… why be apart at all during your romantic evening? Keep gazing deeply into each other’s through the most intimate of moments—all of them.
Silver lining: You never need to worry about leaving the seat up—a win-win!
Oven Timer: Alone Time
The great this about this gift is that it’s incredibly sexist (go google “the there’s a clock on the stove” joke) and it’s redundant… because there’s a clock on the stove.
Silver lining: After she throws you out on the street, you can use it an alarm clock (you’ll need to wake up every hour anyway to stop the rats from stealing your blanket).
Pubic Hair Dye: Red Carpet Treatment
Way to spice up things in the bedroom #8,543: Whether you’re just ready to add a few highlights, a caramel accent—or maybe trying to turn back the clock and clear up a few ‘gray areas’—this is a tasteless gift that will be sure to change the color of your groin—to black and blue.
Silver Lining: You’ll look younger in photos. P.S. don’t share those photos.